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Old Records Never Die, Nor Irrational Dreams



Amazon Book Review: Old Records Never Die"To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable."--Oscar Wilde

Writer Eric Spitznagel can relate. In a spasm of mild mid-life crisis, he dedicated himself to reclaiming a slice of his own youth: the essential pieces of his long-lost record collection, a library of classic and not-so-classic albums squandered through the years in exchange for the ephemeral pleasures of food and gas money. But his quest also came with an obsessive twist. Simple replacements would not do, only the same physical artifacts. So he launched himself upriver into the wilderness of used vinyl with a Colonel Kurtz-ian zeal and the obliging, somewhat bewildered, occasionally wavering consent of his wife.

The task is obviously pointless and futile. Finding (and confirming the authenticity of) your 10th-grade copy of Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet--when your search zone spans most of the Midwest--is the equivalent of finding a needle in a cornfield. In his introduction to Spitznagel's memoir of the project, Old Records Never Die, musician Jeff Tweedy writes: "The thing he did, which you're going to read about in the following pages, I don't really understand it. I don't what to spoil this for you, but seriously, something is wrong with this guy."

But this, or a version of this, happened to me. In my early 20s, I'd sold many of my books, having grown sick of heaving heavy boxes during my frequent moves. I can't say that I missed them--most were relics of my childhood, and I was on to bigger and better things, or so I thought. Then, more than 15 years later, I ran into a coworker in the lobby: "I think I bought one of your old books this weekend." She described a mass market edition of 1984, its cover's negative spaces blacked in with a ballpoint pen (a trademark of mine, accomplished in the negative spaces of class), a flipbook-animation or two drawn in its margins, and a scrawled proto-signature (mine) disfiguring the first page. (Having read 1984 in the 8th grade, I worried about the subject matter of these cartoons, but see below: somewhat disturbing, but a huge relief considering the possibilities.)

Several months later, it happened again. This time, my past returned to me in the form of a gift: A blank journal crafted from the covers of a hardcover copy of Huckleberry Finn, the same distinctive edition that my mother had given me when I was about 11 years old. She had purchased a used copy bearing an inscription that I remembered clearly, because I irrationally dislike writing of any kind in my books. When I opened the journal, there it was: the same looping script commemorating the gift from grandmother to grandson.

Two miracles! Needless to say, these artifacts now rank high among my favorite possessions. So when I saw Spitznagel's book, I was all-in, not only because I understood the heavy magic carried by such objects, but because I knew that success was entirely possible. Spitznagel's funny and thoughtful account, with its thrills-of-the-hunt through the backrooms of used vinyl dealers and under swap meet tables manned (usually literally) by like-minded manics, doesn't disappoint.

Here Spitznagel lists the 10 records he wants back most, including Slippery When WetOld Records Never Die is a selection for Amazon's Best Books of the Month in Humor & Entertainment.


Eric-SpitznagelI gave away most of my vinyl records several decades ago, which was clearly a horrible idea. Let's not rub it in, okay? I'm aware that mistakes were made. Prior to unloading it, my collection included around 2,000 albums, spanning everything from Midwestern punk that changed my DNA to cringe-worthy pop that I secretly loved to music I just pretended to appreciate because I thought it made me look cool. I shouldn't have let it go, but these things happen. If you came of age in the 1990s, you knew two things to be absolutely true: One, with the end of communism, the U.S. had beaten its last global nemesis. And two, CDs were the future.

When I set out to find my vinyl orphans—a misadventure you can read all about in my new memoir, Old Records Never Die—I knew I'd never find all of them. That would've been insane, and impractical. But after flipping through countless boxes—in record stores, flea markets, garage sales, and basements across five states, until my hands bled and became callused lobster claws—I would have been happy to track down just ten of the records I'd lost.


 

1. The Replacements, Let It Be
I'm 99% positive my copy still smells like weed. During my teens, I thought it was a brilliant strategy to hide my "stash" inside the cardboard sleeve of a punk rock record. I was clearly a drug-smuggling genius.
 

 

2. Bon Jovi, Slippery When Wet
I only bought this record to impress a girl at my high school—to prove to her that I loved the Jov as much as she loved the Jov. (I didn't feel anything of the kind, but she was very pretty, so my musical perjury felt justified.) She rewarded me by writing her phone number on the record sleeve.
 

 

3. Elton John, Greatest Hits
I paid $2 for this record in 1977 at a Lion's Club's garage sale in a building that used to be a cherry processing plant. It smelled like cherries, and 20 years later, it still smelled like cherries. I am now incapable of listening to an Elton John "hit" without smelling cherries. It's Pavlovian.
 

 

4. K-Tel's Night Flight
I bought it for the Greatest American Hero theme. I kept it for everything else. This is the record that taught me how to appreciate Smokey Robinson, Quincy Jones, and for better or worse, may God have mercy on my musical soul, Air Supply.
 

 

5. KISS, Alive II
This double-LP was my first introduction to penis metaphors. I was 8 when I first heard it, but even I knew what Ace Frehley meant when he implored his lady friend to "Grab a hold of my rocket." Dude, reel it in, my mom might be listening!
 

 

6. Paul McCartney and Wings, Band on the Run
One of my high school classmates murdered his mother, and he was listening to Band on the Run before he did it. I know this because we went to the same library, and I checked out this record right after him, just days before he got convicted of homicide. Owning this record was like owning one of John Wayne Gacy's paintings.
 

 

7. Rolling Stones, Let It Bleed
I grew up simultaneously loving and fearing this record, mostly because of my Uncle Bob, who filled my prepubescent head with tales of Satan worshipping and backup singer miscarriages. My copy of this classic album is very distinctive; it's the only one, as far as I know, with several muddy bootprints on the sleeve.
 

 

8. Elvis Presley, That's the Way It Is
I was introduced to this record by a college roommate, and fell in love with it because of "I've Lost You." When you're 18 and experiencing your first heartbreak, nothing soothes the pain like a kitschy Elvis sing-a-long about a marriage falling apart melodramatically.
 

 

9. Billy Joel, The Stranger
When I discovered this record in the bedroom of a high school crush, it smelled distinctly like Calvin Klein's Obsession—her favorite perfume, apparently. I was profoundly disappointed when I learned that not all copies of The Stranger smell like a teenage girl's bedroom from the 80s.
 

 

10. Willie Nelson, Always on My Mind
This was my late father's favorite record. It's what he listened to alone, usually after an argument with my mom. Whenever we heard "Always On My Mind" playing through the cracks of his upstairs study, we knew that somebody was having a one-man pity party.
 
 

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VIEWER ADVISORY: This flip-cartoon content was generated by an 8th-grade boy

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